Where do I begin?
I feel as if I am carrying around a bag of emotions, mom guilt and constantly in a battle with myself and it feels suffocating.
Since I quit my full time job, I’ve started to wonder if it was the right thing to do on many levels and I’m playing devils advocate in my brain.
My husband, mom, sister in law and friends assure me it was the right decsion. The job was stressful with the lack of training I received. I was expecting to stay with that job for a long time, I’m not one to just quit things so soon, so I feel as if I failed myself. I feel if I had been properly trained for the position and the alternating days I was told would happen actually happened, I wouldn’t have been so entirely frustrated 6 weeks in and put a 2 week notice and leave.
With the help of Mr. Right we I decided staying home with the kids until the right position somewhere opens up was going to be right for me and our family.
Nearly 4 weeks in, that search continues.
However, I have this constant nagging guilt that I need to be working to bring income in for our family for so many important reasons and mostly to keep me busy, so I don’t focus on everything else going wrong in my life or what have you not.
I have been a stay at home for nearly 3.5 years with my girls and I guess I never realized how demanding being a stay at home parent 24/7 is. Compared to getting a slight break going to work and having them busy at daycare. THEY NEED TO BE BUSY!
My middle daughter hasn’t helped with this guilt and has been throwing some salt my way about missing her friends at “school”. I feel like shit for that. Just yesterday, they put their shoes on and handed me my wallet then chimed in “momma go to work”.
I just feel like I am damned if I do and damned if I don’t. I was burnt out quickly with the job I accepted and the girls adjusting to daycare was hard at first and man that commute was a long one BUT maybe it was worth it. I don’t know what the right balance is for me, for all five of us but I will continue to search for the right job, right routine and learn from this? At least try to release some of that mom guilt.